What is Codependence?

            In June, I celebrate my eight or ninth year in Co-Dependence Anonymous.  It is hard to remember the exact number of years because I think I celebrated one year twice.  My husband and I moved up here in Middle TN in the summer of ’99.  I think I started in 2004, so eight years, maybe.

            Until I got into recovery, I know I wasn’t a great friend, spouse, or family member.  I either looked too much for another’s approval or demanded others take my unsolicited advice.  For sure, I didn’t know squat about boundaries—minding my own business or not allowing another person to mind mine. 

            Today, I depend on a loving God for direction. I try to live my life and enjoy others as they live theirs.  Sometimes staying true to myself is hard because still particular codependent patterns rear up, but recovery is about progress. I am perfectly human.  I am, also, full of trust others (talking about adults here) can care for themselves or ask for help. 

            About three years ago, a couple of good friends and I started up a CoDA group in Spring Hill. My phone is the contact number. I get calls from people asking me to define co-dependence.  I hmmm and haw around a lot.  Not so much because I don’t know what it means to me, but because even the literature from Co-Dependents Anonymous doesn’t attempt to exactly define it. 

            CoDA’s Blue Book says “codependence is a disease that deteriorates our soul.” It gives characteristics and patterns of a codependent under the headings of denial, low self-esteem, compliance, and control. This disease will manifest itself in as many different ways as there are dysfunctional families.  I think it is the core problem of most addictions.

            Patterns under denial are

·         having difficulty identifying, minimizing, or denying one’s feelings,

·         perceiving oneself as unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others. 

            I guess it’s not hard to figure out low self-esteem, but some of those patterns are

·         having problems making a decision,

·         judging oneself harshly,

·         being embarrassed with praise or recognition,

·         being unable to ask for one’s own needs or wants,

·         putting the value or approval of others above their on self-approval.

            Some of the compliance patterns are

·         compromising ones value and integrity to avoid rejection,

·         being overly sensitive to others and taking on another person’s feelings,

·         having extreme loyalty,

·         having fear of expressing differing opinions, viewpoints or feelings,

·         putting aside hobbies and personal interests to do what others want,

·         accepting sex as a substitute for love. 

            Under the control patterns, codependents

·         believe they can take care of another better than the person can care for himself/herself,

·         try to tell others what to think or feel,

·         get resentful or hurt when people say no to their offers of help,

·         freely offer advice and guidance without being asked,

·         have to be needed to have a relationship with others. 

·         lavish gifts and favors on those they care about

·         use sex to gain approval and acceptance

            I think everyone has some of these characteristics.  Taken out of context, some of them are not something you’d really want to weed out of your life, like being loyal, sensitive to others, or being unselfish.    But a codependent person is out of balance with his/her goodness and helpfulness to the point of arrogance and grandiosity.

Thanks for letting me share,

Karen

*These characteristics and patterns were paraphrased and taken from the eighth printing of Co-Dependents Anonymous.