Blog Darkness

            My last post a few weeks ago pronounced a grain of my reason for starting this blog, to tell my personal truth.  I made a commitment to myself to say the truth as I see it. And, then I stopped posting. 

            What a laugh, huh?  I tell you to expect honesty from me, and then I turn into a turtle with my head tucked ever-so-safely inside.

            Here are some honest-to-goodness things that are going on with me lately. 

            I finished the second trimester with the MTSU Writer’s Loft.  I plan to take the last course for my certificate in September.  My mentor, Charlotte Rains Dixon, has been just awesome.  I have close to two-hundred-and-fifty pages written of my first draft.  I am amazed how much going to the Loft has helped me—a person who started out with writer’s block.

            I still haven’t finished my first draft.  But it is so close, I can envision the ending.  Actually, the other night I saw the most magnificent sunset as I thought about my book’s last scene.  I guess all sunsets are beautiful, but some are monumental.  I haven’t seen one as incredible in twenty years with the orange, blue, and purple colors arranged in such a way I honestly felt I could hear it sing.  The only one I can compare it to was when Alan and I lived in Decatur, AL.  We were dating then and had gone for a walk on the shore of the Tennessee River.  The sunset that night transported us to a serene magical place where tree stumps in the water were black against a maroon sky.  I’ve always felt that particular sunset brought something unlimited to our relationship, like we walked through fairy dust.  I hope the one I saw the other night will bring just as much good to my book.   

            I am treating my family with love, kindness, and hopefully healthy boundaries.  There have always, always been conflicts in my mind around my love for my original family.  One of the promises of Co-dependents Anonymous is “I learn that it is possible for me to mend—to become more loving, intimate, and supportive.  I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way that is safe for me and respectful of them.”  This is such a grace-of-God thing in my life.  

            Easter came late for me. At the first of this year, I was confused by how much my father’s suicide and the religious holiday of Jesus dying for my sins had blended.  This past year I worked with a therapist when I realized the locked-box grief of his death was a major part of my writer’s block.  The therapy work brought up another layer of grief.  I made huge strides in breaking open the writer’s block, but confusion weaseled itself into my feelings about God, about my church life, and about Easter. 

            http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5972462272937973038#editor/target=post;postID=7075698488284050629

            In one of my CoDA meetings, and in the above blog, I said that I wanted to give up Easter for Lent.  A trusted friend really helped me with my feelings about Easter.  She asked if I knew the meaning for Lent and for Easter, that Lent was a time of grief and that Easter became time of renewal.  In my confusion, I tried to give up the perennial qualities of God, and hold on to the grief.  I was thankful for the courage of my friend.  I am thankful for my own courage to hear her.

            There are still issues for me around my church life, but I am seeking guidance. 

Much love,

Karen

Truth—What is it?

            Last September in a presentation on blogging and websites, we were encouraged to write a manifesto.  At the time, I decided my declaration of purpose would be to write the truth.  But, (imagine a manure-eating dog-like grin on my face at this moment.) I forgot all about writing a manifesto and just started blogging helter-skelter.  Today, I realized the manifesto for writings by karen will be just that—anything goes.  I knew now I wanted to include the important things in my life, my writing life, my family, my recovery, my walk with my Higher Power.

            So what is writing my truth?  There’s no wonder my brain has taken a few ninety-degree turns since I started blogging and writing the first draft of my novel.  My truth changes from time to time; sometimes it changes from minute to minute. 

            A new truth I have learned is I can't tell another person how or what to feel.  If I am capable and have the right of choosing how I feel about something, then who am I to dictate another’s feelings?  I mean think about it; don’t you hate for someone to tell you not to feel sad when you feel sad, or that you shouldn’t be angry when you’re clearly angry?  (When I am pissed off and someone tells me to calm down, I just get more pissed.) Wouldn’t you rather they just listen?  But still it’s hard sometimes to keep from telling a person she or he ought not to feel something when I can see they are in pain.  I understand now when I do relapse into trying to control another it’s because I feel uncomfortable and powerless over their feelings.  Coaching another person how to feel or not to feel is controlling in order to make me feel better.  (Just a note to parents, I am talking about adult-to-adult relationships.)

            But will such a personal truth of not controlling others get in the way of writing fiction or non-fiction?  I mean, my goodness, when I do that god-like thing of creating characters (who feel like real people in my head as I think about their positive and negative traits and how they might react to this or that) and set them up to have conflict and tension—that’s not just telling them how to feel, but making them feel it. 

            I have mentioned in the post Commitment about my going to Codependent Anonymous (CoDA) for several years.  This recovery group has taught me another amazing truth—there is a God and it isn’t me.  Actually, getting back to the idea truth changes, it makes sense to me my changing truth comes from my limited vision of the nature of God.  My human understanding of a Higher Power is restricted, but finally now it takes in the idea of inclusion.  My truth and your truth may not be the same, but our kaleidoscope truths are all in the arms of something bigger and better than any person.

            I would love to hear what saying, feeling, or writing the truth means to you.

Love,

Karen