What is Codependence?

            In June, I celebrate my eight or ninth year in Co-Dependence Anonymous.  It is hard to remember the exact number of years because I think I celebrated one year twice.  My husband and I moved up here in Middle TN in the summer of ’99.  I think I started in 2004, so eight years, maybe.

            Until I got into recovery, I know I wasn’t a great friend, spouse, or family member.  I either looked too much for another’s approval or demanded others take my unsolicited advice.  For sure, I didn’t know squat about boundaries—minding my own business or not allowing another person to mind mine. 

            Today, I depend on a loving God for direction. I try to live my life and enjoy others as they live theirs.  Sometimes staying true to myself is hard because still particular codependent patterns rear up, but recovery is about progress. I am perfectly human.  I am, also, full of trust others (talking about adults here) can care for themselves or ask for help. 

            About three years ago, a couple of good friends and I started up a CoDA group in Spring Hill. My phone is the contact number. I get calls from people asking me to define co-dependence.  I hmmm and haw around a lot.  Not so much because I don’t know what it means to me, but because even the literature from Co-Dependents Anonymous doesn’t attempt to exactly define it. 

            CoDA’s Blue Book says “codependence is a disease that deteriorates our soul.” It gives characteristics and patterns of a codependent under the headings of denial, low self-esteem, compliance, and control. This disease will manifest itself in as many different ways as there are dysfunctional families.  I think it is the core problem of most addictions.

            Patterns under denial are

·         having difficulty identifying, minimizing, or denying one’s feelings,

·         perceiving oneself as unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others. 

            I guess it’s not hard to figure out low self-esteem, but some of those patterns are

·         having problems making a decision,

·         judging oneself harshly,

·         being embarrassed with praise or recognition,

·         being unable to ask for one’s own needs or wants,

·         putting the value or approval of others above their on self-approval.

            Some of the compliance patterns are

·         compromising ones value and integrity to avoid rejection,

·         being overly sensitive to others and taking on another person’s feelings,

·         having extreme loyalty,

·         having fear of expressing differing opinions, viewpoints or feelings,

·         putting aside hobbies and personal interests to do what others want,

·         accepting sex as a substitute for love. 

            Under the control patterns, codependents

·         believe they can take care of another better than the person can care for himself/herself,

·         try to tell others what to think or feel,

·         get resentful or hurt when people say no to their offers of help,

·         freely offer advice and guidance without being asked,

·         have to be needed to have a relationship with others. 

·         lavish gifts and favors on those they care about

·         use sex to gain approval and acceptance

            I think everyone has some of these characteristics.  Taken out of context, some of them are not something you’d really want to weed out of your life, like being loyal, sensitive to others, or being unselfish.    But a codependent person is out of balance with his/her goodness and helpfulness to the point of arrogance and grandiosity.

Thanks for letting me share,

Karen

*These characteristics and patterns were paraphrased and taken from the eighth printing of Co-Dependents Anonymous.

 

Truth—What is it?

            Last September in a presentation on blogging and websites, we were encouraged to write a manifesto.  At the time, I decided my declaration of purpose would be to write the truth.  But, (imagine a manure-eating dog-like grin on my face at this moment.) I forgot all about writing a manifesto and just started blogging helter-skelter.  Today, I realized the manifesto for writings by karen will be just that—anything goes.  I knew now I wanted to include the important things in my life, my writing life, my family, my recovery, my walk with my Higher Power.

            So what is writing my truth?  There’s no wonder my brain has taken a few ninety-degree turns since I started blogging and writing the first draft of my novel.  My truth changes from time to time; sometimes it changes from minute to minute. 

            A new truth I have learned is I can't tell another person how or what to feel.  If I am capable and have the right of choosing how I feel about something, then who am I to dictate another’s feelings?  I mean think about it; don’t you hate for someone to tell you not to feel sad when you feel sad, or that you shouldn’t be angry when you’re clearly angry?  (When I am pissed off and someone tells me to calm down, I just get more pissed.) Wouldn’t you rather they just listen?  But still it’s hard sometimes to keep from telling a person she or he ought not to feel something when I can see they are in pain.  I understand now when I do relapse into trying to control another it’s because I feel uncomfortable and powerless over their feelings.  Coaching another person how to feel or not to feel is controlling in order to make me feel better.  (Just a note to parents, I am talking about adult-to-adult relationships.)

            But will such a personal truth of not controlling others get in the way of writing fiction or non-fiction?  I mean, my goodness, when I do that god-like thing of creating characters (who feel like real people in my head as I think about their positive and negative traits and how they might react to this or that) and set them up to have conflict and tension—that’s not just telling them how to feel, but making them feel it. 

            I have mentioned in the post Commitment about my going to Codependent Anonymous (CoDA) for several years.  This recovery group has taught me another amazing truth—there is a God and it isn’t me.  Actually, getting back to the idea truth changes, it makes sense to me my changing truth comes from my limited vision of the nature of God.  My human understanding of a Higher Power is restricted, but finally now it takes in the idea of inclusion.  My truth and your truth may not be the same, but our kaleidoscope truths are all in the arms of something bigger and better than any person.

            I would love to hear what saying, feeling, or writing the truth means to you.

Love,

Karen